It's been a minute.. and by minute, I mean 730 days.

Welcome back!!

Wow guys, I haven’t written in about two years.. and to say I’m excited to be back would be an understatement.

So for my first blog back.. lets just do a recap of what all has happened in 2 short years.

Its A LOT, buckle up, put on your safety gear, and get comfortable.. were going on one hell of a ride.

DISCLAIMER:

My blog will be real, raw, relatable, and unfiltered.

Sensitivity is prohibited..

I will talk about things people don’t talk about, I will challenge your thinking, and I will most definitely step on some toes. But HEY, what’s growth without a little challenge?

On the contrary, you will laugh, you will cry, and hopefully if I do my job, you will come out feeling empowered.

Got your shovels? Great, into the dirt we go.

So if you’ve kept up with my journey..

You knew a girl that was in love with her best friend, starting a family with him; or so I thought. Til that dream quickly became a nightmare, he left.

Let's continue, I then went through my pregnancy alone, diving into a deep depression, becoming a single mom, finding a new love in an amazing man, getting engaged, and having a beautiful wedding.

It all sounds like I found the light at the end of the tunnel right? Giving hope to all single moms, that they too will have their happily ever after..? right?

I was THAT girl.

go me.

Pause.

Surprise motha father!!

Less than a full year later I am divorced.. and here I am, a single mom again..

I guess that’s what they mean when they say history always repeats itself.

So here we are.. single Sara once again.

But this time, I have found myself. I am stronger than ever, and honestly the happiest version of myself that I have been in years, many many years.

{If you're a day one reader.. I'm sorry my last blog was the biggest cliff hanger that was never answered. maybe one day ill have the strength to revisit that.. but for now please enjoy the new, refreshed, and empowered mama Sar.}

Soo to all my new readers, **MUAH** 💋

It's so nice to have you here.

Let's date back to 2016, shall we?

**hops into time travel machine**

2016: In a happy relationship

(LOL @ the "happy")

"love makes you do crazy things"

and by crazy.. I mean, I got pregnant.

(crazy part is; WE kinda chose to. I wouldn't say it came as a surprise when the test came back positive... stupid, young, and in love)

Also, timing couldn't have been better..

In the middle of my jr season of basketball. At a new university. YIKES.

Yes, my coach made it clear that I wasted a scholarship (:

2017: My boyfriend walked out.

I went through 95% of my pregnancy alone.

I fell into the deepest depression.

Nonetheless, I gave birth to the biggest blessing of my life.

Austyn Michelle Hamilton < 3

6/28/2017

(pause.. I will not be using names without consent. hell it may be illegal. idk. sooooo.. lets get this straight. We will be referring to Austyns bio "dad" aka; {donor} as "Tre" and the man I was married to; we will call him "Ben".. LOL this is so dumb. but bare we me. ok, resume..)

August 2017: Helloooo Ben 👋

Immediately he fell in love w my daughter and I.

He had no reservation or hesitation.

PINCH ME!

What more could I hope for.

He was tall, handsome, Christian, athletic, successful, the list goes on.

February 2018: IM ENGAGED!

August 2018: IM MARRIED!!!

June 2019: ....... im divorced

But how could this be? I finally got the happy ending? I finally had someone I could rely on, my daughter had a father.. how could this be, where did it go wrong?

(I have been asked not to share full details, so I'll summarize to shed some light, and hopefully, help someone else while sharing my losses)

I will start with this; to this day I would consider Ben a friend, and if I'm lucky I'll forever be able to. Ben is still one of the most amazing men I have ever gotten the chance to know, and to love. He was only 26 years old when we started dating, no kids, very handsome, and very successful.. but he chose not only me; but US. He never wavered from loving my daughter as his own. Hell, he even made bottles for her, fed her so I could nap, bounce her until she calmed down, etc. He went above and beyond.

Up til this point all I knew in love was; abandonment, lies, broken promises, empty words, inconsistency, and being treated as less than human.

I finally felt safe, I finally felt like when someone said "I won't leave you" that it meant I could go to sleep knowing when I wake up in the morning he will still be there. I finally felt like planning a future wasn't just a manipulative way to make me hold on. I finally felt like when he said he loved me, that his actions to follow didn't scream "I hate you".

Mostly I was afraid, I was vulnerable.

The fear of being abandoned gave me a false vision of love.

I found when I wasn't begging for mercy, begging for respect, begging for a response, begging for peace of mind, begging for answers, and begging for grace, that immediately I saw that as love.

But the truth is, looking back. I was simply being treated as human.

For the first time in a long time.

The strong woman I am today cries out for the broken woman I was, the damaged woman I was, the lost woman I was.. the woman that would have sold her soul to the devil just to regain peace..

To be continued..

May the God of hope fill you with all joy

                                                 and peace as you trust in him.

Romans 15:13